Why us?

I have a friend who is very, very sick. The doctor told her and her husband that the problem with her lungs will "shorten things". He did not state how much, but based on what we've all seen of her CT scans, very, very short.

When it comes to death, I try to be all zen or tao or whatever. It's a natural process, I know this. I rationalize moving on to where I normally feel the need to comfort those who are left behind, still here with us. I might be sad that someone has left my life, but I generally find it easy (ish?) to move on.

But I'm reacting poorly to Tandra being sick. My panic disorder I've managed to control over the past few years is kicking my ass. At work this morning, I was unable to form complete thoughts. It took me nearly half an hour to send an email that was neither serious nor for work. I'm shaking badly (at least badly for me), and I'm unable to function (I have taken something for all of this, and it seems to be helping thus far).

I'm scared out of my mind. On the one hand, I know this is normal. But I'm so not normal, it rather frightens me that I am now. If I react like this with Tandra being sick, how would I react should Steph become sick? I can't imagine the future without her. What happens should she be?

It's a most horrible thought, but it's the one at the moment. So I just try to do the next thing, try to distract myself from thinking about it all the time. Though that's impossible. Next week is my vacation. I'm sure I'll be spending most of it at the hospital with her (if possible) or trying to help Josh.

And why her? What did she ever do to the universe to get this? Why us? Why does she go so soon while awful bigots with big mics manage to stay around to make all of us more miserable? I know life isn't fair but what the fuck? Trying to rationalize it seems the most suitable course of action right at the moment. And it really sucks.