Building Communities

I start off this by stating clearly and emphatically that I am not all that standard. I can list 20 labels to try to describe me, but I will fail to do so. I am Taoist and try not to believe in absolutes. I try not to believe in right and wrong. As a Taoist, I believe that we can never know the full truth, and that everyone carries some part of that truth. I believe that Taoism might have the clearer path, but I also believe that we might be completely wrong. I believe firmly what I hold true and dear can make a better world, but I understand that I do not know everything and that I could very well be completely and utterly wrong.

This is a very difficult thing for people to believe or understand. We are taught there is right and wrong. Sometimes, we try to believe there's a possible middle ground, but, in reality, we think that middle ground is just a stop on the way to our belief system. We are not taught to accept our own falsifiability. Someone we trust teaches us one way, and we hold that truth to be TRUTH and ABSOLUTE. This binary, this dicotmy does not allow for other possibilities. These possibilities are not necessarily the "grey area" we all use as justification for our own positions. Is there ever *really* just two options?

We often find ourselves in situtations where we feel that people who do not side with us are obviously against us. If they are not against us but not actively for us, they are apathetic and something is wrong with them. They are "bad" people. If I walk down the street holding the hand of my girlfriend, and I do not join politically-charged gay rights organizations, then I am apathetic and my lack of effort is really just helping the other side. My positions are never seen for what they are but, rather, for being the opposite of what someone feels they should be. And when I'm not enough, I'm too much. If I all for an end to violence, period, ever, always, and I say, "stop funding Israel's military," and I don't instantly follow that up with "and stop supporting Hamas and Hizbullah, etc," I'm painted as anti-Israeli and anti-semetic. My view isn't heard because it's not 100% what *you* want me to say.

Today, I sat in two different meetings. In the first, the conversation of community building came up. In the second, that was the specific intention. In both, the most loud voices were the ones who expected the community to come to their ideas. When I asked the "community meeting" (the second meeting) what we were going to do to bring the other people to the table, it was decided that being a strong organization would do so. So we started coming up with a mission statement and objectives. Of the 9 people at the table, I have six of their phone numbers programmed into my cell phone. I know the other two but don't share a lot of meetings with them. I called them the "usual suspects". Some people were offended by this. If a group was formed that said it had the intention of forwarding your goals without *asking* what your goals are, would you go? How do you build community when not everyone is at the table and when few people are listening? Most of the people tonight were already on the same page (which is due in large part to it being the usual suspects). What dissent is going to happen? I'm considered a leader and active member of that group of people, yet I was shut out time and again. Why would someone new want to attend?

It was also decided that it is not us, not our organizations, that are causing all the problems. If the local GLBT newspaper doesn't want to come to the table, then it's because they are unable to put aside their bad feelings. I am curious, though, why is it not also our fault? Why can we not ask, "wow, what did I personally do to drive them away? What can I personally do to bring them to the table?"

This flexability is seen as weakness. This ability to change, to listen, to shut up for a moment is seen as not having a clear objective.

I have a clear objective, a clear belief, and standing by it has shown me that my strength comes not from being seen as strong but from being stubborn. I believe that all life is valuable. How I define that is extreme. How I hope to see the world function is extreme. But I understand that the world will likely not function that way. And should it ever, it will no longer be extreme. I believe that every voice is equally valuable. I believe that each individual knows their experience far better than I ever could. I believe that I should listen to them, not just hear them. If a lesbian of color says she doesn't feel welcomed in the political space, I believe her, and I ask how can we change to make you feel safe? I don't say, "well, listen, we have a non-discrimination clause, what more do you want?" I understand that I do not have someone else's experience so I assume I am wrong.

We cannot build community by saying we're welcoming, we're open. We build community by tiptoeing to someone and asking, "hey, how can we work together?" We make no demands of anyone, and we understand that community building happens over years and years and decades and centuries. I will not live to see the community I hope to build. I am a foundation. All any of us can ever do is build a foundation and build onto that. Together. We cannot do it alone. We cannot expect others to follow. The best leaders are followers first. And until we accept that and change, all our "communities" will ever be is a loose association of organizations where a small handful of people determine our goals and objectives and everyone else just follows along blindly, apathetically. The strongest voices, no matter how nice the words, will always silence someone. I got tired of it. So I left one organization. I'll end up leaving others. If I cannot be heard, if I cannot be welcomed, if I cannot be accepted, why should I pretend I am? If sticking around means insults against my relationships, why should I put on a happy face and take one for the team? How does that bring about equality or build community? Why should any of us be involved? I'm not "burned out" because of lack of resources; I'm burned out because I spend all my damn time defending my right to form my family as I see fit best for me that I have no time to move forward a worthy agenda (that and the agenda isn't worthy of my time as it squeezes out my family).

At the Peace Center's board retreat, we were asked what would we say to a cousin who was just starting off in the world. I said, "Listen very, very long before you ever speak." If you do not listen to everyone's voice, no one has a reason to listen to yours.